My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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