Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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