swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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