6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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