I just saw a hot homeless man
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
