you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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