I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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