I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
