you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
