He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I could make wine with my vomit
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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