I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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