I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Randomize
