i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You did what with his pubic hair?
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