u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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