Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
