If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it because I queefed?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
