Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
