well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
