Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...