thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.