Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
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She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.