I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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