That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
