a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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