I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
