I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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