dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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