This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
