i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The Olympian is in my bed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
