People in love make me want to vomit
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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