did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
