My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
