I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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