the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
