I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
