I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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