I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
