Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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