i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
