Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
