Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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