It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
