Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
