Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
