Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
