So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
