where am i from again
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
