I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
