he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
