Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
