I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
