Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
