On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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