I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
