Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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