Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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