I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
