So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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